Should it be no wonder that I’ve gained more weight and have had worse knee pain and inflammation since they’ve all been gone? These days, I work from home writing and web designing, and I’m homeschooling my daughter. We live with my parents in a house deep in the woods twenty minutes away from the city where I used to live, and sometimes I go days and days without seeing anyone outside of my family.
I have two writing partners, one woman who I feel is becoming a real friend, that I meet with every Sunday, and that’s it. I don’t have anyone to go with me to Target anymore when I want a new purse. I don’t have that person who is going to come in to the dressing rooms with me when I shop and tell me if something is ugly. I don’t have anyone to hug when I’m having a bad day. I don’t have anyone present, here , that I feel is a real friend. I’m fucking lonely as hell, and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I feel like this issue, and my situation is too sad even for the self help and personal growth gurus to touch.
Where are the articles on what to do if you’re lonely and don’t know how to make friends? I would just go get a ‘real’ job if I had the time or energy. Maybe you missed that I’m a total INFJ introvert that doesn’t like meeting new people and has serious social anxiety issues. I don’t know where to go, or how to find any more now. When I write fiction, I become deeply involved in my characters lives and live vicariously through them. When I write on the internet, I live for the comments and feedback that make me feel like I am not alone, even though I am lonely. That’s why I’m writing this now, even though it’s pretty damn embarrassing to admit that I’m a 36 year old woman with no real friends around here, and so lonely sometimes that it aches inside, all these little holes in my heart. This isn’t one of those articles anyone can draw meaning from. I don’t have any advice to give on how to make friends when you’re approaching forty or how to be satisfied with long distance friendships, which I clearly am not. I’m just here to say — hey, I’m lonely as all hell. I want to write the truth of my life when I can, because I believe that somehow we aren’t all alone, and that I’m not all alone, and I don’t necessarily have to be as lonely as I feel if I know there are other people out there feeling it, too. Because I want to know about your lives, I want to know how you feel and think and love and hurt and get through this thing we call a life. We all have lessons to learn from one another here. I never think the loneliness of mental health is properly understood or acknowledged by people. In a way the most obvious source of my loneliness is the fact that the person I loved for nine years left me just eight months ago, and I’m readjusting to being with myself, I’m learning from this who I am and it’s fucking hard to do. People come and go – other people are just collateral to our own lives. When I’m in a social situation it’s probably the worst – when I feel pressured to interact, to make a good impression, to entertain, to connect. I often make excuses to go to the bathroom so that I can just sit alone in the cubicle and refocus my mind. I’ll explain to the people I feel need to know, but mostly I just lie about something (HIV meds are always a good one). I’ll cancel on you at the last minute, or I just won’t text you back – plans make me anxious. What I think people don’t understand about loneliness is that it’s not something that has an obvious opposite. “Just go out and do something!” seems like all people want to yell at me.
“Don’t just sit around feeling sad” comes second to this. In a way there’s irony in the fact that someone who is self loathing is so strongly can feel most at ease when they’re alone. But I would put it this way: A mental health disorder is your best friend as much as it is your worst enemy. Remember in the finale of Sex and The City when Carrie and The Russian break up? Carrie says that she wants: “Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” Change “ love ” to “ hate ” and you’ll get the idea. The hatred I feel for myself is so constant, so consistent that it is one of the most comforting things for me when I’m feeling like I’m losing control. A word a person who suffers from depression (or BPD/Bi-Polar etc.) will be used to hearing is “ selfish ”.
They say that suicide is the most selfish way a person can die.