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How Not to Treat Weed Dealers, According to Weed Dealers

Close to half of all Americans have tried marijuana, and as more accepting attitudes prevail and social mores loosen, the number is growing steadily. For the curious languishing in places where medical or recreational marijuana is still illegal, that means interacting with a weed dealer, which can be a bit awkward, especially before something resembling rapport is established. That need not be the case. Because weed dealers—are you sitting?—are just like any retailer. They want to sell you a product and move on with their day. No fuckery. No weirdness. In. Out. Bing, bang, boom.

We talked to a few Chicago-area weed dealers about their customer pet peeves and the dos and don’ts of buying pot on the DL.

I really hate when people try to bargain. It costs what it costs. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Cash only. There are a surprising number of people who try to pay me in change. If you have to pull out dimes and quarters to pay me, maybe you shouldn’t be buying weed!

It’s not like I don’t give deals. I hook up my friends, of course, and I give deals for bulk shopping just like Costco. Some people assume they can get customer loyalty discounts after they’ve bought a certain amount from me. And while I’ll definitely do that, it’s gotta be on my terms. Don’t ask me about it; let me bring it up to you when I decide you’ve earned it. You don’t go to a restaurant and demand to get something for free just because you’ve been there multiple times. If they have a loyalty program, they’ll let you know, and they’ll hook you up if they want you to come back.

When it comes to communication, I’m more about clarity than discretion. The way I look at it, this shit is getting legal pretty quickly, and I don’t deal in huge quantities. I’d say my customers are more paranoid than I am. Some of them come up with their own code words for shit, and I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. People will call an ounce an onion, like “Yo, can I get an onion?” What the fuck is an onion, bro? Just tell me what you want, and I’ll hook you up!

Other than that, don’t linger after I sell you a sack. I like to have friendly conversation, but let’s cap it at two minutes. I’m also not going to smoke you up unless you’re my friend, so don’t hang out hoping I’m going to offer you free weed after I just sold some to you. Go smoke your own shit. – Sam*, 29

Our service has a lot of rules, and it is based entirely on referrals, which are tightly guarded. Basically, you’ll need three people who are already in to vouch for you, and we freeze referrals often due to security issues. If you’re lucky enough to become a member, follow the first rule of fight club: Don’t fucking talk about fight club. Don’t post about us on Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media sites. Don’t give any of our numbers to your friends. You will be blacklisted.

In the same vein, we have your number/address in our database. Don’t order from your friend’s house, or you will be blacklisted. You’ll also be blacklisted for ordering to your address while you’re having a party. Don’t be dumb.

And don’t try and play us on payment. We have three levels of quality, order the lowest if that’s all you can afford. Occasionally we’ll give you a break on the better stuff if you order the basics and we’re out by the time we get to you, but that’s rare. Don’t try to game the system, or you’ll have to go back to asking friends of friends if they know where to get weed. – Josh*, 28

Don't haggle, and don't try to pay with Venmo.

13 Rules New Weed Buyers Should Follow

If you are new to buying weed, your dealer has gone MIA, or you relocated to a new city, there are unwritten rules to getting a new dependable source for green. Just like a new job or even a new girlfriend, relationships are best begun with a good referral. The same goes for your dealer. […]

If you are new to buying weed, your dealer has gone MIA, or you relocated to a new city, there are unwritten rules to getting a new dependable source for green.

Just like a new job or even a new girlfriend, relationships are best begun with a good referral. The same goes for your dealer. You want to make a good first impression as a trusted client, and in the world of weed, dependability and discreetness is a mutual form of respect.

Living in a non-legalized state, you don’t want to attempt finding decent cannabis just anywhere, especially somewhere as incriminating as the internet. Don’t get ripped off, don’t deal with schwag.

Follow these rules of new buyer etiquette to build the best relationship: dank weed on a regular basis.

1. The Opening

Whether you’re meeting your dealer in person or you’re given their contact information to text them, be discreet. Being overheard in public saying, ‘You got weed?’ or texting the same is a good way to terminate the relationship before its even begun.

Some examples of a good opening: ‘What up? got any?’ ‘Hey man, you good?’ or ‘Got any flowers?’

2. Patience is a virtue

Dealers are rarely on time, and you can’t blame ’em. They’re either delivering on foot to your location or caught up with a deal that was to be filled before yours. And they are likely on stoner time. Dealers are humans too, so be patient.

3. Know the Language

There’s nothing worse than getting to the front of the food ordering line and not knowing what you want. It’s awkward and the guy behind the counter doesn’t want to stare at you either. Know the slang for weights so when your dealer asks what you want, you can order appropriately.

Some examples of common weights: cutie, dub, or dime.

4. The Handshake

Dealers who want to meet in the street expect a pass and go handshake. If you can’t do it, learn how to and practice with a friend for discreet hand-offs in public.

5. Go it Alone

Weed deals, no matter how casual, aren’t an open invitation. Unless your friends are your new referrals, don’t bring the girlfriend or coworkers to pick up pot with you. And don’t send anyone to pick up for you unless it’s established with your dealer ahead of time.

6. Dealer Deals

New clients usually get a heavier bag the first time, and over time, you don’t get the same ‘deal’. If the dealer doesn’t specify why, there’s no shame in asking how much is in the bag, but don’t be offended if he’s gone back to the normally offered weight.

7. Bongs and Babes go together like…

Ladies, if you’re really friendly or just flirtatious, you can score a bigger bag than your male counterparts. The. Struggle.

8. Exact Change = Manners

No one wants to deal with you having to get change for smaller quantities. Especially for something as small as a dime bag.

9. Objects Shown to Scale

Scales small and light enough to carry with you are ideal and somewhat polite. Having a scale makes it easier for you to purchase larger quantities or ‘weight’. Be sure to ask before you weigh, if your dealer may be bothered by it.

10. Know what you’re smoking

You wouldn’t just drink whatever someone tosses in front of you at a bar, would you? For shame…Ask your dealer what strain or blend of strains you’re buying. Study up on a marijuana app and familiarize yourself with what good piff-2 really looks like and if you’re into a cannabis-indica or cannabis-sativa.

11. Return the Favor

When the time is right, right? If your dealer has some time, offer to smoke them up. It’ll give you some time to build a friendly relationship and maybe get you better service in the future.

12. Precious cargo

Now, to get your precious cargo home. Smaller quantities are easiest to stash, and less likely to smell on your journey home. Pick up a discreet stash container like a stealth highlighter or can. If you have a larger quantity, rolling your bags into air-tight containers will keep the smell to a minimum.

13. Consistency is key

Just as any relationship goes, try to keep your dealer circle small. Word gets around and you want to be comfortable yet respectful enough with your dealer to request what you need as your needs change. Whether you want dabs one week or flowers the next, approach each deal with professionalism.

Finally, keep note of the current price of weed. Especially in areas where it isn’t necessarily legal or locally grown, supply and demand comes into play.

You could have copped a gram for $20 from your last dealer, months ago, and that price could have fluctuated. It’s best to ask your friends how much they are paying for different quantities and measure based on quality of strains.

Be smart, stay informed and good luck!

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